The Art of Being Unreachable: To Quiet the Noise in a Loud World

“I used to tolerate a lot because I didn’t want to lose people. Now, I establish boundaries because I don’t want to lose myself.” -Unknown

 I’ve taken some time off from writing after the emotional blog post I did last. However, I wanted to write about a topic that is very much affecting my life quite often and might resonate with other people in life.

I have been trying my best to remove myself from situations that bring me stress. I wish I could say that his has been easy. I have a lot of guilt when I choose my own well-being over someone else’s mental needs sometimes. I give so much of myself as a nurse to my patients. I want to be able to give all of my empathy and emotions to those who truly need it. I often come home feeling emotionally and physically empty. This leaves the people around me feeling neglected because truthfully, at the end of the day, my emotional capacity is empty.

I started to see a pattern in myself that I am working on trying to break, which was always being available for everyone. I had people who almost felt entitled to my time because they gave their time up for other people. I am learning very quickly that because other people do not burn out as easily as I do, it does NOT mean I am weak. It means I am protecting my peace and energy to be the best version of myself I can be. Setting that boundary has been hard for some people to accept, but at the end of the day, I am not responsible for anyone else’s emotional needs besides my own. This emotional fatigue can be broken down into a few different steps in order to work through it.

The first step in this is that I have to acknowledge the pattern.

I often times repeat the same things such as giving emotional reassurance when I need space, getting frustrated when my requests for some quiet after my mind is loud gets ignored, and ignoring my own needs in order to accommodate the emotional needs of everyone else around me.

Unfortunately, I am a person who absorbs people’s emotions and pain, and conflict quickly drains me. I try to avoid conflict but it is inevitable in life sometimes. I tend to give an explanation to people in these moments, often taking the full and total blame that I truly cannot help that I absorb their emotions and pressure like a sponge. Some people fail to see that they hurt me by pushing their own emotions so hard onto me.

I have stopped being so reachable all of the time. I set boundaries on the time limits I can emotionally be available. This has been very hard for some people in my life to adjust to, however, I cannot be the best version of myself when I feel empty and exhausted. I understand as people, we can project our own emotions onto others. We are human, we are not perfect. I do also know that emotionally, I am not expected to be a free therapist every second and minute of my life. That is not fair. I want to be there for all of those people I love and care for so dearly, however, I have to prioritize being there for myself as well. I should not have to apologize for taking some time for myself.

The second step, or question is…who benefits from my exhaustion?

The people who benefit from my emptiness and exhaustion are….oh, wait…hang on….let me think about this, oh yeah, those who benefit from my exhaustion is absolutely no one.

I try to be very self-aware, and I can recognize when I am empty and emotionally exhausted.  When I am empty, I become a shell. I become closed off, angry, and overwhelmed easily. The only people who benefit from this version of me are the people who want my attention, regardless of if it is positive or negative. These types of people need constant reassurance, and I will be the first to say that I cannot provide that to anyone, especially when I am working on reassuring myself.

I become an angry, hurt, and sad version of myself when I am empty. I just cannot imagine needing reassurance from someone who expresses that they are empty and that they cannot give that right now. However, I often feel pressure to reassure people of this or that without their own understanding that I should not be the only one to reassure and give emotional labor to someone. If I say no to something, no should mean no. The word “no” is often disregarded, and it tends to cause me to get frustrated, say hurtful things, and be the one to apologize at the end of the day for my own reaction to someone else’s behavior.

I forgive very easily. I let people remain in my life, despite the fact that they might be destructive. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I see them as humans and us as human beings are imperfect. However, I give chances and forgiveness so frequently and easily that my boundaries are never respected. People who know that my exhaustion is real do not understand when I say “I am empty, I do not have the capacity to handle this right now.” I still have this part of me that easily forgets and forgives. In order to grow, truthfully, I need to let go of the people and things that make me feel pressured to be available even when truly I cannot be.

The third step and question is…who suffers when I don’t protect my peace?

The people who disrespect that boundary of needing personal space and peace are the ones who suffer because I become a lousy version of myself. The people in my inner circle and those I am around often begin to feel my projection of pain onto them.

Ultimately, the person who does suffer in the end of it all is me. My body starts to feel tense and shaky. My mind shuts off. My focus is gone. My own pain has to take a backseat. My grief, my healing, my own trauma becomes irrelevant. My intuition becomes confused, it feels frustrated. I feel hurt that my own peace is treated like it is not valuable.

I am at peace more when I am alone and in my own head sometimes. I like peace and privacy. I like being able to make decisions for my time and energy when I have empty time and space to do so. I do not want to spend my time recharging my internal batteries giving energy to someone or something that is empty. Obviously, I am empty sometimes, but I would never demand someone else’s energy or time to accompany my own issues. I know this sounds selfish, but I am learning that being selfish at times is part of protecting myself.

The final of this blog is learning to choose peace…even when it feels uncomfortable.

I have to learn to be okay with silence. I have to be able to be silent and not respond to the things that drag me down. Although it feels awful to shut people out, I should not have to worry about shutting my phone off because of people’s lack of boundaries. I feel a lot of guilt doing this. I know this is hard for me to do because honestly, I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt people because I have to prioritize my own healing and mental health sometimes. So, sometimes saying “I emotionally cannot be there right now” is hard for me. I have to learn that prioritizing myself does not make me a bad person, but it gives me a chance to recharge so I can be a much better version of the person I am. This is a “work in progress” type of thing. However, each day I am learning more about protecting myself and working on my own mental health.

I know that I have to prioritize that. I rebuilt my life from rock bottom, and I did it with hope. I cannot be anyone’s sole emotional support person, but I can be there for those I love. I also should never have to worry about saying “no.” If you are in this boat in friendships, relationships, or with family, or with anyone in your life, I truly hope you know I understand and feel this emotion deep in my soul.

I do not have all of the answers, but I am hoping to learn them through experiences and in life. In the meantime, I am going to have a goal of protecting my own mental health above allowing people to drag me into their own personal issues and guilt trip me for not being emotionally or physically available 24/7. Anyone who truly cares about you would not put you in a position where you have to bargain your soul for some inner peace and time to recharge.

I deserve quiet. I deserve protection from the noise. I deserve to be unreachable when I choose to be.

It might let some people down, but protecting my own mental health and peace lets me down, slowly, and quietly. So, for my goal moving forward is to choose myself when appropriate, learn the power of silence, and know that I am responsible for my own emotions and feelings. I am not responsible for everyone around me, but I can be there for them in a healthy way.

Thank you for reading. I hope this next year brings you, my reader, some peace in life.