When Healing Feels Like Going Backwards
“Your healing journey deserves gratitude. Every step forward, every setback overcome, every moment you chose to keep going. -Vishakha Jain
Some days healing feels like progress. Other days it feels like I’ve been dropped right back into the pain I thought I had already learned how to carry. A smell, a song, a quiet moment can affect me in ways I didn’t expect, and suddenly I’m questioning whether I’ve moved forward at all. I’m learning that grief doesn’t follow a straight line, and healing isn’t measured by how little it hurts, but by how gently and kindly I meet myself when it does.
I recently started therapy again. I went into it with an open mind, mostly because I was trying a completely different approach. I didn’t have great experiences with therapy as a child, and when I tried again as an adult, it still didn’t feel helpful. This time, I chose a therapist who didn’t resemble what I had experienced in the past. I knew I was carrying a lot of unresolved pain and PTSD, and I felt ready to begin releasing some of it.
A lot of people don’t talk openly about starting therapy because of shame, but I genuinely believe giving it another chance is helping me grow and heal parts of myself that have been stuck for a long time.
Truthfully, during my last session, I spent a good portion of time talking about football and houseplants. And somehow, it felt incredibly therapeutic. I laughed. I felt relaxed. I felt like myself. That might sound ridiculous, but therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all. Sometimes healing looks like having a safe space where you don’t have to talk about everything — just anything. I don’t want to dread therapy. I want it to feel like a place I can show up as I am. And I’m grateful I chose a different path this time, because I never expected that a male therapist casually talking about football on a random weekday would be exactly what my soul needed in that moment.
Although I hesitated to begin therapy, I did. I wanted to start a journey that felt new and genuinely helpful to my healing. But even with the right tools and resources, there are still days when it feels like my healing has regressed. Days when my anxiety feels louder than usual. Days when I cry alone in my car to songs that pull me back into memories of my past and the person I lost.
Self-work is painful sometimes. I feel like I’ve done so much of it, yet the moments that feel like regression still get into my head. I find myself asking the same questions over and over again: Does this mean I’m not healing? Am I not trying hard enough? These are the thoughts that surface when the pain returns. I work hard to be better, but there are days when it still feels like I’ve failed. I still have moments where I feel empty, sad, and confused about where my life is — and why it’s here. The gentle reminders I give myself have had to become ingrained in my mind, because even now, I have triggers that pull me out of character.
These moments of feeling regression, and the thoughts that come with them, do not mean that I’m not healing. I have to remind myself that I am not broken. In truth, these moments are often signs that growth and healing are colliding. They don’t erase the pain, and they don’t undo the progress I’ve made throughout my time in grief. From the moment I lost someone so close to me, I knew this process would never be linear.
I’m also beginning to understand that healing from a painful, traumatic loss doesn’t only happen in my mind. Sometimes healing involves the entire body. There are moments when my body remembers things my mind feels like it has already worked through. A trigger can surface when I least expect it, and I may react in ways that surprise me. When this happens, I try to take note of it rather than judge myself for it. These moments can catch me off guard, but I’m learning to see them not as setbacks, but as invitations to heal more deeply.
I don’t have all the answers yet. I still have days where the grief feels heavier than expected, and moments where healing feels confusing and messy. But I’m learning that showing myself compassion in those moments matters more than getting it right. Healing isn’t about never being triggered again. Honestly, it’s about learning how to remain patient and kind to myself when I am.
If you’re in a place where healing feels like it’s moving backward, I hope you know this doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human. It means you loved deeply. And it means your healing is still happening, even on the days it doesn’t feel like it.
Ultimately, healing will continue throughout my lifetime. Each day will bring new obstacles, along with new moments of realization and growth. Healing doesn’t always mean moving forward. Sometimes it looks like pausing, noticing, and choosing to meet myself with compassion instead of judgment. I may still carry grief with me, but I’m learning how to carry it gently and how to keep living alongside it. Most of us all have been through a grief process, and there is no path of perfection of how to feel it.
To my readers, you are not alone. You are not broken. You are not regressing in your healing. You are not forgetting the person, place, situation, or life that you are grieving. You are learning to slowly live differently, while holding the memories of what is important to you very close to you. Thank you for reading, and I truly wish you all the best throughout your healing and grief journey.
