An Open Letter to the Person I Miss the Most

“It’s sad to believe that one day you will share your last moment with someone you love, and you won’t even know it. You won’t realize that day will be your last chance to say all the things you’ve always wanted to say.” -R.M. Drake

The person I want to dedicate this blog and letter to is someone who has such a significant impact on my life and still does. I would honestly do anything to tell him these things in person, but unfortunately, God had other plans. To my readers, if you’ve ever experienced a loss of someone you love, someone you wish you could say a lot of things to, this letter is not only to him, but for myself, and those who relate to this feeling. This letter does not capture the amount of things I wish I could say, it just touches the surface, which is a place to start.

Dear Jayden,

I have always wanted to write you an open letter blog but this is not the context in which I wanted to write it. I miss you every day. The day you left, you took a piece of my soul with you, one in which I will never be able to get back. You hold a place in my heart that absolutely no one can fill, and I am grateful to have that spot saved for someone as special as you. I feel forever grateful to have gotten to experience so many things with you, grow through a lot of life with you, and to watch you chase and achieve your dreams.

I remember the first night that you and I went for a drive. You found me out in the middle of nowhere and we talked for hours. It felt so natural, but yet, it felt like you had so much about you that was a mystery. You had lived a life in which you experienced a lot of good, but also a life in which you experienced a lot of pain and disappointment. I felt like you were someone who deserved a life in which you felt loved for who you are to your core, such a special, kind, and caring person with a big heart, not for what you could provide for other people.

I can confirm and say honestly that once I fell in love with you, that love for you was the purest, most honest love I’d ever felt for someone in my life at that time. Loving you was so easy, even on the hard days. I absolutely adored everything about you. I caught myself often just staring at you, admiring you for just…existing. You, with your dirty, callus covered hands from working so hard, your blue eyes, the way you would smirk when you saw me admiring or taking pictures of you trying to capture you in your natural element.

I loved the way you’d get to giggling and your dimples would show and your cheeks would get all clenched up. I loved your natural smile when you’d laugh. I loved your voice and how you’d sing songs when we drove anywhere, subjecting me to music that at the time I would roll my eyes at. Who knew that I’d be the one belting out those same songs in present day time, reminiscing the memories of you, wishing I could hear your voice sing again.

I loved how spontaneous you could be. You were someone I experienced so many things with for the first time. I absolutely loved how we could wake up one weekend morning without plans and find ourselves down in Louisville eating crabs at Joe’s and making our routine stops to the Under Armour outlet and Bass Pro Shops on the way down. I miss our small road trips. I loved hiking with you and experiencing nature with you being my navigator because we all know I could not read a paper map.

You started your own business during our time together. This was a dream I knew about from the night we spent together talking when we first met. You worked so hard to achieve that dream and I wholeheartedly knew you’d accomplish this goal because I have never met anyone else in my life that is more dedicated, hard-working, and strong-willed than you. I am forever so proud of you for taking the risk to open your own business, one that brought fears, but you faced them anyway.

I could go on for so long about our memories together but my favorite memories of all are the ones that we spent with your daughter. I feel forever grateful that you allowed me into her life. I love watching her grow up and become such a strong, sweet, smart little soul. She made the dark days a lot brighter. How much you love her is something I will never forget, because watching you love her was such a blessing. She is such a great little girl. I know that much like her daddy and her mommy as well, she will continue to be such a strong-willed, kind, caring, smart, and special human-being.

If I could go back in time, I would. I would change a lot of things about my way of thinking and how it directly impacted my approach to life. I would change the fact that I did not praise you enough for the things you accomplished. I was your biggest fan, but at times, I was your biggest critic. Rather than empowering you to be who you are wholeheartedly, I would hold you back because I would project my own insecurities and fears onto you. I would change my awful communication skills. I would reflect on my moments in which I lacked gratitude for even the smallest things that I now realize weren’t always as small as I thought they were.  I would most definitely change the pressure I put on you because of my own pain and stress. In fact, I would change a lot of things, especially anything that directly impacted you.

You and I experienced a lot of challenges in our relationship. We had so much love for each other, but we both held some resentment below the surface for the things we went through during the time.

The day I lost you forever is a day I will never forget. I did not know that day would be the last time I would see your smile, hear your voice, or feel your presence in the room. I did not know your last hug I ever got would be the last one I’d ever receive. After I fell in love with you, I could never have imagined my life without you in it. You made a mark on my soul and in my heart. You and your daughter quickly became my definition of family. You felt like home to me, no matter where we were and what we were going through.

I will never forget a few days before you were gone, you sent me the song “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi. At the time, I knew that song meant a lot to you. I listened to it then, but never comprehended the lyrics until after you were gone. The lyrics hit me so deeply now that you are not here with me anymore. The chorus itself makes me cry every time I hear it.

“So, before you go.. Was there something I could have said to make your heart beat better? If only I would’ve known you had a storm to weather. So, before you go, was there something I could’ve said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless. So, before you go…”  

I know we all fight tough battles, I just truly did not know how tough your battle was.  I wish I knew better. I wish I listened in the moments you were vulnerable and talked about it. I wish I, myself, was better. I wish I gave you more support than I did. I wish I was there in moments I was not fully there for you. I wish my fears of how deeply I loved you did not give me fear. I wish my thoughts were not so clouded from that fear that held me back from the love I have for you and should have shown you every day.

I wish lessons did not have to be learned in the hardest way. Losing you made me feel like I lost a part of me. You always will hold such a special place in my soul and in my heart Jayden. You were the person who made me believe in love again. You made me believe that impossible was actually possible because you never hesitated to chase after your goals and dreams. I wish I had more time to watch you accomplish so much more because you truly are one of the only people I have ever known who could do the things you set your mind to. I have never believed in someone more than I believed in you. I wish you could see the impact you’ve had on those who love you. I wish you could have seen how proud we all were of you. Watching you chase your dreams will be a time in my life I am forever grateful for. One of the best feelings I have experienced is watching the person I love the most chase his dreams and become successful in all of it. Jayden, I am forever so proud of you.

It's been six months since I lost you and everyday feels so different. There are days I want to pick up my phone, call you, hear your voice, listen to you talk forever about your day and the things you accomplished and the praise you got from customers. I would give anything to know you could hug your daughter again, to hug your mom, your family, and to honestly, hug me one last time. You are loved and always were. I would give anything for a proper goodbye. You are missed every day. Often times, I wonder what the sky looks like from your view because I hope at night, we see the same stars. I know that sounds wild, but at the end of the day, I truly miss you so very much.

You are someone I will never forget. The memories and moments in life that I felt whole with you will never be forgotten. I don’t want to focus on the bad times because those times have now passed. I just want you to know how grateful I am for you. You changed my life in so many ways and I would not ever trade that for anything. I wish you were here. I wish you had more time. I hope everyday you are watching over your amazing daughter, your family, and honestly, I hope you watch over me as well.

My love for you may change throughout time, but it will never disappear. You will forever hold such a special part of me. I miss and will always love you in a way that is unique to you. My life has to move forward which is so hard. Moving on from the person I thought would be in my life forever feels impossible but I know this is where I am and what I have to do. I hope through the days I feel scared, and hesitant to move forward, that you are with me. I hope you give me the strength you showed and I hope I can always honor you in the best way I know possible.

You may be gone Jayden, but I promise, you are never going to be forgotten. I will always love you, forever and always, through thick and thin, the good and the bad, and until the day that we meet again.

Thank you for being one of my best chapters in my life story. Thank you for loving me when I could not love myself. Thank you for being my best friend and for challenging me to become a better version of me that I never knew existed. Thank you for allowing me into your daughter’s life and to love her, because loving her is one of the greatest things I have ever experienced in my entire lifetime. It’s hard sometimes to watch her grow up without you by her side. She always has been and continues to become such an even more perfect little soul. She is smart. She is talented. She is silly. She has the biggest heart. I know in my soul how proud you would be of her and I pray that you are always with her everyday. But most of all, thank you for allowing me to love you. It might not have been perfect, but I am grateful for the time you allowed me into your life to be able to love someone so special. I miss you so much and I know we all do. All I can pray for is that you are watching over all of us each and every single day.